Last weekend my husband and I had the opportunity to go on a marriage retreat with the Army. The curriculum used at the retreat was Mark Gungor’s Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage (which, as the title implies, is a lighthearted and entertaining way to discuss deeper issues within marriage). In the curriculum, couples take a personality test to assess their tendencies, preferences, communication styles, and strengths.
I discovered that I tend to be motivated by details, accuracy, and doing things “the right way”…what many people would label as perfectionism. Interestingly, according to the curriculum, along with that type of personality comes the predisposition to feel things very deeply.
I think it is what makes me prone to anxiety. Sometimes I feel such an intense love for my children that the thought of anything ever happening to them makes my heart stop in its tracks, even if I look perfectly calm on the outside.
Maybe it’s a mom thing.
Maybe it’s a trusting God thing.
It’s probably both.
But there is definitely a sense of grief that comes with being a perfectionist. We get frustrated at the sight of things breaking, or wearing out, or going wrong.
And that doesn’t only apply to “stuff.” I hate to see myself react wrongly to my children. I want to be the mom I am supposed to be- to react with love and grace but often react with a short temper and frustration.
Afterwards I’m grieved, because I see my flaws (my sin!) and the pain I cause.
Don’t get me wrong, the desire for perfection also has a sinister side connected to pride.
But I think the reason I’m so unsettled by things going wrong goes back to our deeper nature as humans- how we were originally created to be. In Genesis 1 God made a perfect world that was good. He then made humans in his image and likeness and set them up in his world to be fruitful, to multiply and have dominion (Genesis 1:26-30).
We were made to live in a beautiful, perfect world where there was no sickness or death, or destruction, and where we did not have that sinful nature that lashes out even at our most dearly loved ones.
So, that sense of grief I feel- when I’m anxious over the wellbeing of my children, when I find mold in the shower, weeds overtaking my garden, or yet another house appliance is broken, points me back to Eden.
The crux of the problem is, the Eden we were originally made for will always be elusive if we are looking to find it in this world. God made the world perfect, but something went wrong. Humans decided their way was better than God’s (like I said, there is a more sinister side of perfectionism rooted in pride) and now we are stuck with a world ruined by sin.
That does not give me an excuse to just give up and give in. What it should do is force me to have the right attitude about my life on earth and motivate me to look forward to heaven. One of my favorite verses for the last ten years has been Colossians 3:2-4: Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died [to this world] and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
If we Christians are not looking forward to heaven, we have a serious issue with loving the world too much. So while I may feel grieved when I see brokenness and imperfection, I cannot stay there. I need to let go of my despair that things go wrong and find joy in the thought that heaven will be everything that we long for and were meant for.
There is more good news- because of what Jesus has done for us, we are not left hopeless in our broken state while here on earth. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation- the old is gone and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17). The new heart that Jesus has given me and his Holy Spirit that helps me continually works to change me back into the person God originally intended me to be.
I am not left at the mercy of my sinful nature. I do not have to feel hopeless that I will ever be the mom, wife, daughter, or friend that I know God made me to be. And that is ultimately where I can trade in my grief for trusting him until heaven.
P.S.-Do those of you who struggle with perfectionism also tend to feel things deeply? I’m curious to know if this is a common correlation. I’d love to hear from you!
heidimarie.dagg@gmail.com says
cool